Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
