News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
