I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
