every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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