(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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