My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize