Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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