Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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