Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
