In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I think I just sharted jello shots
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