He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
