WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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