This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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