ADVERTISEMENT

• (312): View more from Illinois

  We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.

  Fav 3 1551 2302

  share tweet
  

• (619): View more from California

  dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"

  Fav 61 3401 985

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (804): View more from Virginia

  I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.

  Fav 9 3599 886

  share tweet
  

• (310): View more from California

  Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?

  Fav 57 1555 4119

  share tweet
  

• (352): View more from Florida

  I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy

  Fav 18 4444 918

  share tweet
  

• (252): View more from North Carolina

  he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

  Fav 45 9536 3143

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (217): View more from Illinois

  The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left

  Fav 15 2564 1341

  share tweet
  

• (970): View more from Colorado

  At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

  Fav 12 4112 1435

  share tweet
  

• (916): View more from California

  My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.

  Fav 2 1623 1413

  share tweet
  

• (850): View more from Florida

  So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?

  Fav 3 1097 791

  share tweet
  

• (315): View more from New York

  I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico

  Fav 3 738 357

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (432): View more from Texas

  Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.

  Fav 0 45 26

  share tweet
  

• (479): View more from Arkansas

  We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over

  Fav 2 20 41

  share tweet
  

• (540): View more from Virginia

  IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP

  Fav 0 31 7

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (206): View more from Washington

  I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...

  Fav 2 35 37

  share tweet
  

Randomize