Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
