According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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