I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
