My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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