just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize