I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I had to cum in my sink.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
