I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize