textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
