I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
