I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
