I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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