Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
