WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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