I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
