You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
