fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
