I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
