i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
