he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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