I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
