so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
