Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
