Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
