He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize