If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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