She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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