My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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