I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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