Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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