i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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