I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
