I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
