I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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