nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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