in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
