When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
