I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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