I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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