there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
