allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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