saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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