Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Someone came in the potted fern
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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