i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
