I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Someone shattered a urinal.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize