she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
