I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
