this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
