Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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