I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
