in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
