Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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