i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
