sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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