it wasn't lemon gatorade
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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