why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
