So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
