when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
