you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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