Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
