I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
