she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
